What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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