oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
