I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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