After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
