he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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