By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
