Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
