I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
