i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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