and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
