He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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