in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
