Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
