Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
