he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
