so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
