yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
