...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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