I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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