dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
