Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
