Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
