never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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