So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
