Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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