Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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