the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
