some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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