I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
