So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
