my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
