I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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