Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this just has baby written all over it
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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