I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
