Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
