I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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