Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
