i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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