I'm going to jail i love you
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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