and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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