I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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