I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
