Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
