I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
