I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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