how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
