I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
