dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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