I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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