Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
