I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
